“Such creative tactics.”

 

             I remarked, absently leaning against the wall of the alley, my tobacco pipe hanging from my mouth like a cheap theatrical prop. The man on the fire escape froze in place momentarily. Then his face turned slowly toward me, his teeth gritting at me from between the thick bristles of an obviously fake beard.

 

             “Easy, Alec,” I taunted gently, “I don’t have a Mohawk, get your nerves under control. Besides, this is New York City and here I am dressed in black and smoking in public. All you have to do is call your friend Mayor Bloomberg and I’d probably get life without parole.”

               “What do you want, you trench coat mafia freak!?” he snapped at me, still not budging from his perch at the second floor level.

 

             “Actually,” I snickered, “I wanted to ask you that. You’re the colossally talented world class actor climbing out the back window of your apartment disguised as a Westboro Baptist Church member. You can’t tell me you’re genuinely this terrified of the tabloid press. They’re like pigeons – stop feeding them and they won’t shit on you.”

 

             Just then I knew I’d said the wrong thing. I could already see what little skin was exposed becoming infused with green pigment, and before I could react the sleeves of his “God Hates Fags” sweatshirt gave way to the sudden outward burst of his shoulders and biceps. With a growl so natural I needed no further convincing that both Eric Bana and Edward Norton had been colossal casting mistakes, he leapt at me – and stood so his giant shadow made me almost invisible.

                “Now you listen to me!” his bass resonated against the stone walls and pavement around us, “If quitting the television business, the movie business, the theatre, any component of entertainment, is necessary in order to avoid explaining publicly how I could not know that ‘cock-sucking fag’ is a homophobic slur, or admitting that I’m completely clueless about politics but slander people with it for cheap popularity, then that is an easy decision.”

             “We all make mistakes, Alec.” I said to him calmly, trying to look into his wide, yellowing eyes. “You could just admit you got angry and said something you didn’t mean, maybe suggest to your followers they educate themselves to avoid faulty political generalizations. You know, take responsibility when you messed up – be a good role model for American kids. Tony did some things last week that upset me, but he was a man about it – he didn’t threaten to quit show business so I would leave him alone.”

                “YEA,” the remaining traits of Alec Baldwin disappeared into the hulking green mass standing over me – he’d grown at least another foot, his clothes ripping and muscles bulging. His speech was turning to gibberish, but he managed to squeeze out “THAT….WERES…. JOOO. I…. HAF…. TO…. FAFE…. TORY…. SHTILESH….; AND…. HISH....... MEHOWK!”

                I knew I had to get out now. In fact, my rational side was already telling me I should be thankful he hadn’t torn down that fire escape and slapped me across the face with it yet. So I pulled open my trench coat before his eyes reveling the secret weapon I’d prepared for him – a 1980s WWF shirt with a detailed, colorful portrait of Mr. T. Deafened by the shriek as The Halc drew back, I took off sprinting toward the nearest busy street, yelling back at him over my shoulder.

                “America still loves you, Alec! There’s help! But first you have to admit you have a problem!”

 

By: Neurotoxin
 

 

About the Editor:

Neurotoxin holds a dual BA in Psychology and Political Science and an MSW with a specialization in Community Organizing. Politically, he is a “structural anarchist”; a school of thought that believes in treating all power structures as facts of nature that should be accounted for but not preserved. This school of thought dictates that policy ought to be driven solely by its empirically calculated outcomes.

Neurotoxin is the co-owner of Edge of Chaos – a political podcast and blog that can be found @ www.edgeofchaospodcast.com and http://www.facebook.com/theedgeofchaos.